Discoveries

So, it's been around 3 months working in this temporary position. Hopefully it will turn into a permanent position within the next 2 months...
Made two observations during this time.
The first being, even with a stressful job and working long hours most days, I've found I actually thoroughly enjoy being so busy.
The second discovery is that no matter how busy and cheerful I am, there are still the moments where I get that overwhelming sense of hopelessness and feel like I can't go on. Bit of a concern for later on, but it's going in the repress file - like basically all other emotions I don't want to deal with. Ha!

Day....?????

I haven't stuck to this on a daily basis because, quite frankly, it wasn't do-able. Some days you just can't find a reason to smile, and there's nothing you can do about that.

Anyway, I have recently gotten a new job. I'm completely out of my depth and it may not be permanent, but I have discovered that being busy is the best thing. I suspected I'd feel better if I was occupied more. There's no time to think about your failures or the fact that you'll never achieve any of your dreams...and that's a total mood booster. Ha!
Hopefully, when the permanent position opens up I'll end up getting it, because the biggest, and maybe only, obstacle I've been facing is not having enough money to change the situation. Like, even a little bit.
Fingers and toes crossed!

Day whoknows - Ambition

Initially, I was going to do Project Happy, but thought that was too ambitious, so settled for Project Okay. Apparently even that was a stretch because, as you can see, I haven't necessarily found something to smile about every day. However, I've been doing a few larger scale positive things. One step closer to starting my YouTube channel, got music and some footage. The biggest issue is that a lot of my ideas require other people and, well...there aren't any. So that's still holding me back, I may have to just get randoms off the street? ...That's a possibility, I guess.
Anyway, I've been venturing out of town a little, not far, just taking a road and driving half an hour out, admiring scenery that I haven't seen before. Amazing how you can live somewhere for years but only end up seeing one part of it. Determined to visit a national park about 2 hours drive from here next Sunday. Hopefully get some more footage, maybe make first video.
The other thing I've started is another Instagram challenge, #fmsphotoaday. If you're on Instagram, take a browse through the tag, so many wonderful photos.

What made you smile today?

Forays into social media

I do have a Twitter account, with possibly one active follower, so I'm not sure that counts as social media, and an Instagram account, which is of course, photos. Other than that, I try to avoid as many social interactions as possible. With social media like Facebook, I find people talk without consequences, and forget that although it's a computer screen, common courtesy should still be employed. After removing the app from my phone and not logging on for a few months, my panic attacks started reducing. As soon as I logged on, instant panic attack, so I deleted the entire account. Possibly not the healthiest way to deal with things, but until I move to a different pond, it's the best way to avoid living in a constant state of anxiety.

The point of mentioning all that was to lead into what I've been up to the last week - talking to strangers. The whole Interpals thing was daunting to start off with, and the people I've come across have done nothing to improve my general view of people. So, enjoy some of the enjoyable conversations I've had in the last few days.

Apparently, the several different areas on my profile that clearly stated my total disinterest in any romantic areas were too obtuse for this guy. This is the entire conversation. No introductions necessary, obviously.

Then we have this person who, after exchanging greetings, asked for my Skype, which I explained I was uncomfortable with after such a short time. Surprisingly, that was taken very personally.

This guy simply could not get over my glasses

This man, after asking me if I had ever fasted, asked me if I were Muslim or Christian, then proceeded with the following delightful uneducated outburst, which I woke up to the next morning. Excellent start to the day.

The best is definitely this guy, whom I spoke to for one day before the first bizarre hissy fit. The "ok then" at 10:35 was me, editing error with the black cover. Before this, the conversation was normal, no idea where the pulling teeth routine came from. Except that I bruised his poor, fragile ego by simply disagreeing with him.

After this, he thought it would be a good time to ask me my impression of him, and if I thought we could be friends. I cannot even begin to comprehend the logic behind that. After me either not replying or giving one word answers, we had the following conversation:

("Really?")

He then blocked me. Cue disbelieving cackling. Absolute illogical head case.

Hope you enjoyed. Feel free to share any of your odd-stranger stories!

8 through 10

Have made an indefinite stop in Struggle Town.

On Sunday, I volunteered at the cinema. Got to watch The Fault In Our Stars finally, it was a lovely movie. Did provoke some musings which I have yet to express clearly. Got recognised as "the cool Marvel fan", which made me smile.

Monday marked the return of TAFE (tertiary education) and I managed to finish the project I'd been working on. 

I also started something I've been putting off for a long time due to anxiety, which was joining a "penpal" site, as a way to meet like-minded people. There really aren't any people in this town I have enough in common with to actually maintain a friendship, but the stigma surrounding penpals and internet friends has put me off. Also, any form of communication I'm not sure about is really confronting so I tend to avoid it if possible, and get really anxious just thinking about it. Simply asking a stranger on Tumblr for a suggestion was a huge deal, let alone following up on it, joining a site and responding to people. 

Today, in general, did not go well. Spent most of it in bed unable to convince my body to let me get up. Managed to get up and dressed around 3, turned it into a sort of productive day toward the end. Unfortunately, the amount of things going on that make the anxiety flare up means that the smallest things are now setting me off and making it a permanent state. Churning stomach, high heart rate, difficulty breathing, pain in the legs, that sort of stuff. 

Sorry. This is a really boring post.

Day 6 & 7

Been having one of those days where literally everything goes wrong. Starting with my morning oats failing (quite miserably), and continuing with everything throughout the day. Vacuum cleaners sticky taped together, burnt forearms, broken bags...absolutely joyous day.

So yesterday's (and most days, to be honest) cheer was brought by my favourite Youtuber, Louis Cole. The opening song always has an instant calming effect, and the carwash scene in this vlog is hilarious. If you aren't already subscribed, it's well worth it.

With all the mishaps throughout today, it's been rather difficult, although I have been trying. Countless deep breaths taken. To substitute, here are some photos taken of Felix yesterday.

Days 4 & 5

Day 4 was all about reading, something I grew up loving but have struggled with the last few years. Attention span can no longer last longer than 15 minutes so I'm pretty happy at managing to actually finish a book (The Hunger Games, so easy reading but still)

Day 5 began with a migraine severe enough to infiltrate my dreams. That was lovely. Woke up vomiting and spent the rest of the day like that so didn't really have much cause to smile. Also smiling is kind of painful during migraines. I'm going to put today's smile as another material one as I was naughty and spent another $14 on lipsticks.